To Pour Out Your Heart.

Of Memories and Times Gone By...

Life is moving at an alarming pace. Because of that we've left behind a lot of people, things and memories (not purposely, of course). Things that mattered, that were valued, have suddenly been pushed back into an abyss, literally. I don't want to forget the trips to the grocery store with Baa and to come home to Maa's Anday Aloo ka salan, to watch a Disney cartoon till we knew the songs by heart, to laugh till we pulled a stomach muscle with friends. They say to let go of old memories to make room for new ones. I don't want to do that. I don't want to let them go because they'll fade... Sometimes, I wish for Dumbledore's pensieve. Call me silly, but that's what it is.

In this world of endless portals of communication, we seem to have moved further away from people. It makes me sad that we leave them. Some leave us. Not because we disregard each other. Just... But that's how life is, it takes it's own course for everyone and that's inevitable. For all those times we lost to make up to someone, to say we're sorry, to share our true feelings, let's take a moment and reach out to them, by saying a little prayer.
I pray, from the bottom of my heart, no matter where you are, you're all happy, Aameen.

There's a Strings song that really sums up my feelings and everything in between.

Dil Thaa Khilauna, Chalo Tuut Gaya, Kya Kahein....
Koi Saathi Thaa, Jise Chaaha Thaa
Wohi Loot Gaya, Kya Kahein...
 
Titliyaan Yaadon Ki Uddti Jaaye
Rangon Mein Mujhse Kuchh Kehti Jaaye
 
Ek Jheel Thhi, Kai Phool Thhe
Sab Mitt Gaye, Kya Kahein...

Chaaha Thaa Kehna, Naa Kahaa Chup Rahe
Raahon Mein Tanha Chalte Hee Hum Rahe

Titliyaan Yaadon Ki Uddti Jaaye
Rangon Mein Mujhse Kuchh Kehti Jaaye
 
Girti Kiranein, Tera Aanchal
Kaise Bhulein, Kya Kahein...

Gaati Koyal, Mehaka Aangan
Kaise Bhulein, Kya Kahein...

Titliyaan Yaadon Ki Uddti Jaaye
Rangon Mein Mujhse Kuchh Kehti Jaaye
 
Teri Chaahat Thhi Meri Roshani
Ab Bujh Gayi, Kya Kahein...

Dil Thaa Khilauna, Chalo Tuut Gaya,
Kya Kahein, Kya Kahein...

You can listen to the song on the links below. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZpqttQS1XI
or  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b284RBZaiAs

To Be Sorry.

"An apology can be a wonderful thing so long as it is infrequent and from the heart. However, beware of the person who justifies bad behaviour with apologies. For them it is a means to an end, and quite often at your expense." - Gary Hopkins

What does, "I'm sorry!" really mean? Gary Hopkins made an excellent point, that is, to not justify bad behaviour with an apology. We all have our share of mistakes and some embarrassing ones at that. Making mistakes isn't a crime, we all make them. It's to not break the trust. Sorry mends mistakes, not trust. Sometimes the people whom we trust in with our eyes closed are the people who open our eyes. These people know you to the core and play you. That is not only a breach of trust, it is most painful. The anguish of a broken heart is real. The broken heart then makes a promise that, no matter what, it will always try to never repeat what it went through. It honestly tries and sometimes fails, but it never intends to hurt people. It can never do that. It can never scheme against people to get back at them. It gets upset, it will tell them, but never will it reach a point to ruin things for them, all of this because it knows what pain feels like and it'll never shy away from apologizing.

A lot of us don't realise the importance of being sorry. It's not just saying it. Move on. Repeat. It's meant to be sincere. When we say, "I'm Sorry", we need to be true to ourselves. We mustn't make a mockery of it and we certainly cannot take people for granted. We as a people have truly used, bruised and abused the word 'Sorry'. The word today, sounds so hollow and inadequate. You should apologize for when you may have truly hurt someone or said something rude or did something inappropriate. It's a matter of having a conscience. It would mean nothing if you don't stop doing what you were sorry for and it doesn't bother you. Sorry is not an excuse!

Some don't apologize because they're struggling, they're ashamed for what they did. They can't muster the courage to. Some don't apologize because they aren't aware of what they did. And some just don't because their ego comes in the way. In some cultures, it's expected of the young to apologize to their elders (even when it's not their fault.) because not doing it is a mark of disrespect. Convoluted much? I call it the 'Clash of Egos'! The ego ceases all good sense. It's twisted, really. There is no shame in accepting your fault. None at all. In fact, it's a release. You feel a weight off that poor heart of yours. Let that ego go and make amends. It's never too late to say you are sorry. or maybe you missed your chance... That regret is not going to be worth it. So, go ahead. Own up. and say, "I'm sorry."

"Never ruin an apology with an excuse." - Unknown

When She Loved Me...

"Every hour we spent together lives within my heart... When she loved me." - Sarah McLachlan

05 March 2011. We lost her five years ago, two days short of her birthday.

We were at our grandparent's home, celebrating. Someone's birthday. It was very vague. There she was laying the table and moving about the lounge, getting things ready for the 'party'. I see her taking a piece of the cake that I baked. She took a bite and I asked her, "Nani, kaisa bana hai?" She didn't reply. She had tears rolling down and she quietly took small bites from it. I asked her, "Aap kyun roa rahi hain?” I could see that she wanted to say something, but couldn't. She seemed happy, but distant too. And I kept asking her questions like, "Aap ko kuch chahiye hai?", "Aap baat kyun nahin kar rahi hain?" And all she did was cry. They were happy tears. She always had this peace around her.

I woke up with a very heavy heart, realizing that it was a dream. I was crying in my dream.

Since her death I have seen her a handful of times and each time that I do, I see her happy. I haven't consciously spoken about her death and maybe these are manifestations. Whatever it may be, I do know for sure, that she's in a happy place. Of course, she is. She's with Allah (S.W.T.). As I write this, I also want you to know that I miss you. And a lot.

I remember her caressing my cheek when I was upset over a silly thing. She getting poori-sabzi made for Bhaiyu's birthday. She fixing my Kurta only hours before Eid. She making pulao because Apa and I would love Nani ke haath ka pulao. She cheering over India's loss to Pakistan... Home is empty without her. "Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting." - Unknown

Let It Go...

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

Often, we find ourselves consumed by this emotion. We're always ready to lash at someone because of it. We say things that are hurtful. We do things that are inappropriate. And we do this, with the intention of making people feel bad. Why do we do that? Why do we have to add fuel to the fire? Why do we have to scar the person, ourselves and relationships because of the wrath? We so easily and willingly tarnish all the beautiful things. Why? 

I would truly want to find out and cure myself of the anger that I felt so badly, not very long ago. I still get angry, but I'm trying hard to never let it get the better of me. Are we so sad in life that we resort to such painful means? I know, I probably was. But why was I sad? The lack of faith. Faith beginning with The Almighty. If we entrust ourselves to Him entirely, or like we say we do, then why is it that we are most affected by life? We know that life is a graph of ups and downs. And yet, we fail to accept that there will be times and things that will be beyond our control. This need to control, I now understand is the reason to our anger.

For some, a disruption in their schedule is a cause for  anger. For some, intolerance, For some, internal complexes. And some can never be happy. Just. There will never be a concrete reason to it. They just have chosen a path that leads down the way to sad solitude. And this isn't because of anything. It's usually self-imposed. And this may have happened due to certain circumstances in life. Life may have given them lemons, and instead of baking a lovely lemon pound cake, they decided to swallow the bitterness, in large amounts. If reading this has caused you to be angry, then I won't apologize because you need to come to terms with it. People can't spend their lives in appeasing you. Life is for everyone to live. You choose to live in misery, while they in spite of the hardships, want to live in peace. Please. Let them. Don't hold grudges. Refuse to blame anyone for anything that has happened in your life. 

Religion has always stressed upon hatred and anger being the work of the devil. It's true. If you believe in Providence, then you should also believe that there is a devil lurking around to upset you. He succeeds when you display displeasure vehemently. And what's worse, we let Satan take over and go against all logic and reasoning. Don't. Please, don't let something get to you with such intensity that you end up being miserable and regretting it. Ali Ibn Abi Talib (R. A.) narrated, "A moment of patience in a moment of anger prevents a thousand moments of regret." And it's true. No one deserves it. Not you and certainly not the people around you. Surround yourself with things where you can channel the negativity into something productive like Craft, for example. You'll find it mentally stimulating and with it never forget The One. Seek His guidance at all times and you'll never find yourself to be upset or angry because you'll have let it go by then =)

"Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past grudges and anger.
Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present... Today." - Steve Maraboli

It's the Fear.

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." - Dorothy Thompson

Fear... It always manages to cease us from doing what we want to. Like taking a risk. That leap of faith is so important to conquer even a smidgen of it from our hearts. Why must we be bound by this emotion? It only dampens the canvas, leaving us morose over the loss of colour off it.. "Why must we all conceal, what we think, how we feel?" - Mulan

Feeling. Fear is a feeling. An emotion. It comes as easily and it can go too. There's a fine line between fear and courage. One man made quite an impression when he said, "I learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela

Indeed, it has the power to make us cringe into a little corner. And that dark corner is where negativity creeps in from. Succumbing to it kills everything from the heart, to mind. Why do we so easily let it defeat us? We humans are made up of sturdier matter than fear. The fear of failure and the act of not doing anything also is one of the many reasons why fear begins to settle in us. But fear also sometimes is because of change. We are so at ease with all that is around us that we get agitated at the slightest bit of change. Life is ever changing and that's what makes it a journey. And the moment you begin to stagnate is the moment you should get in motion. Letting it become a barrier is going downhill. The fear in us, of the past, ruins our present and keeps us from making a better future. At times, the unknown is what triggers the uneasiness. Sometimes, people fear that they might offend someone with their ideas, thoughts and opinions. Having said that, I don't mean that we become hurtful with what we say. Tact is essential. The problem with us is that we overthink the situations that come our way and instead of taking them up as challenges we treat them like obstacles. That is the moment when fear plays it's part and develops into frightful tasks.

Let's tweak this emotion and at least try to battle it rather than retract and return defeated. Let's try to conquer that which stops us from doing right. Let it not douse the fire within us that makes us who we are. Let's swim against the currents. Let's just try. The point of it all is that we miss out on life because we fear missing out. And most of the times, we end up losing an opportunity because we were afraid. We also need to realise that we devalue a lot of our potential because of it.

I have often let fear conquer my need to act. I write this post with the intention of throwing this fear out of me. It has, at several occasions made me feel miserable when I could have fought. I treat this post as a testament. Made by me. Made for me. Made to act.

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve; the fear of failure." - Paulo Coelho

Where Is the Love?

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." - Judy Garland

L. O. V. E.. The four letter word encapsulates the world. Yes, the world. Our little world of dreams, desires, ambitions and passions. Falling in love makes one heady. It's a feeling that is indescribable. The mischief of love is that it will creep in quietly and lighten our lives. It has endless definitions to it. Love can be for our pet dog, for gardening. Love could be spending time with our sibling. Love stands still, beauty in all she is. "Love rests on no foundation. It is an endless ocean, with no beginning or end." - Rumi. 

Sadly, love has been misconstrued in recent times. In fact, love time and again, has been misunderstood, for the 'apparent' emotion it carries. Yes, love is wanting to be with someone, that's the physicality of it, but that is not what defines it entirely. It's a mixed bag of emotions, love. It means responsibility, honesty, loyalty and care. It also brings with it respect, happiness, a bout of sadness and a lot of learning. To handle love is difficult as opposed to being in love. It's to be dealt with all our heart because to build on it is a task of great strength. Strength comes from feeling the emotion. It has the power to weaken one in the knees, but it also has the power to conquer all! However, one fails to understand that to conquer all, love needs to be understood. And this understanding comes when we come to terms with the fact that love isn't just about what we can take. It's about give as well. Love can't be about the outside, it has to be what's inside too. To love is not about being perfect, because honestly, there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is merely how we would want it to be, because we have our rough edges, and to smoothen them we go ahead and create a bizarre idea of it, which by the way is a Technicolour dream that is meant to fit your television and not your life! (that's too much ranting, oops!) Because it's not always about beaches, white sands and blue skies.

Let's not objectify love. Let's not let it lose it's purity. Let's not abuse it as an excuse of being jilted. Let's not mistake it for the grotesque display. Let's embrace it for it's sentiment.

Below is an excerpt from "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" by Louis de Bernieres. And it completely blew me away =)

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."