When She Loved Me...

"Every hour we spent together lives within my heart... When she loved me." - Sarah McLachlan

05 March 2011. We lost her five years ago, two days short of her birthday.

We were at our grandparent's home, celebrating. Someone's birthday. It was very vague. There she was laying the table and moving about the lounge, getting things ready for the 'party'. I see her taking a piece of the cake that I baked. She took a bite and I asked her, "Nani, kaisa bana hai?" She didn't reply. She had tears rolling down and she quietly took small bites from it. I asked her, "Aap kyun roa rahi hain?” I could see that she wanted to say something, but couldn't. She seemed happy, but distant too. And I kept asking her questions like, "Aap ko kuch chahiye hai?", "Aap baat kyun nahin kar rahi hain?" And all she did was cry. They were happy tears. She always had this peace around her.

I woke up with a very heavy heart, realizing that it was a dream. I was crying in my dream.

Since her death I have seen her a handful of times and each time that I do, I see her happy. I haven't consciously spoken about her death and maybe these are manifestations. Whatever it may be, I do know for sure, that she's in a happy place. Of course, she is. She's with Allah (S.W.T.). As I write this, I also want you to know that I miss you. And a lot.

I remember her caressing my cheek when I was upset over a silly thing. She getting poori-sabzi made for Bhaiyu's birthday. She fixing my Kurta only hours before Eid. She making pulao because Apa and I would love Nani ke haath ka pulao. She cheering over India's loss to Pakistan... Home is empty without her. "Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting." - Unknown