Of Memories and Times Gone By...

Life is moving at an alarming pace. Because of that we've left behind a lot of people, things and memories (not purposely, of course). Things that mattered, that were valued, have suddenly been pushed back into an abyss, literally. I don't want to forget the trips to the grocery store with Baa and to come home to Maa's Anday Aloo ka salan, to watch a Disney cartoon till we knew the songs by heart, to laugh till we pulled a stomach muscle with friends. They say to let go of old memories to make room for new ones. I don't want to do that. I don't want to let them go because they'll fade... Sometimes, I wish for Dumbledore's pensieve. Call me silly, but that's what it is.

In this world of endless portals of communication, we seem to have moved further away from people. It makes me sad that we leave them. Some leave us. Not because we disregard each other. Just... But that's how life is, it takes it's own course for everyone and that's inevitable. For all those times we lost to make up to someone, to say we're sorry, to share our true feelings, let's take a moment and reach out to them, by saying a little prayer.
I pray, from the bottom of my heart, no matter where you are, you're all happy, Aameen.

There's a Strings song that really sums up my feelings and everything in between.

Dil Thaa Khilauna, Chalo Tuut Gaya, Kya Kahein....
Koi Saathi Thaa, Jise Chaaha Thaa
Wohi Loot Gaya, Kya Kahein...
 
Titliyaan Yaadon Ki Uddti Jaaye
Rangon Mein Mujhse Kuchh Kehti Jaaye
 
Ek Jheel Thhi, Kai Phool Thhe
Sab Mitt Gaye, Kya Kahein...

Chaaha Thaa Kehna, Naa Kahaa Chup Rahe
Raahon Mein Tanha Chalte Hee Hum Rahe

Titliyaan Yaadon Ki Uddti Jaaye
Rangon Mein Mujhse Kuchh Kehti Jaaye
 
Girti Kiranein, Tera Aanchal
Kaise Bhulein, Kya Kahein...

Gaati Koyal, Mehaka Aangan
Kaise Bhulein, Kya Kahein...

Titliyaan Yaadon Ki Uddti Jaaye
Rangon Mein Mujhse Kuchh Kehti Jaaye
 
Teri Chaahat Thhi Meri Roshani
Ab Bujh Gayi, Kya Kahein...

Dil Thaa Khilauna, Chalo Tuut Gaya,
Kya Kahein, Kya Kahein...

You can listen to the song on the links below. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZpqttQS1XI
or  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b284RBZaiAs

To Be Sorry.

"An apology can be a wonderful thing so long as it is infrequent and from the heart. However, beware of the person who justifies bad behaviour with apologies. For them it is a means to an end, and quite often at your expense." - Gary Hopkins

What does, "I'm sorry!" really mean? Gary Hopkins made an excellent point, that is, to not justify bad behaviour with an apology. We all have our share of mistakes and some embarrassing ones at that. Making mistakes isn't a crime, we all make them. It's to not break the trust. Sorry mends mistakes, not trust. Sometimes the people whom we trust in with our eyes closed are the people who open our eyes. These people know you to the core and play you. That is not only a breach of trust, it is most painful. The anguish of a broken heart is real. The broken heart then makes a promise that, no matter what, it will always try to never repeat what it went through. It honestly tries and sometimes fails, but it never intends to hurt people. It can never do that. It can never scheme against people to get back at them. It gets upset, it will tell them, but never will it reach a point to ruin things for them, all of this because it knows what pain feels like and it'll never shy away from apologizing.

A lot of us don't realise the importance of being sorry. It's not just saying it. Move on. Repeat. It's meant to be sincere. When we say, "I'm Sorry", we need to be true to ourselves. We mustn't make a mockery of it and we certainly cannot take people for granted. We as a people have truly used, bruised and abused the word 'Sorry'. The word today, sounds so hollow and inadequate. You should apologize for when you may have truly hurt someone or said something rude or did something inappropriate. It's a matter of having a conscience. It would mean nothing if you don't stop doing what you were sorry for and it doesn't bother you. Sorry is not an excuse!

Some don't apologize because they're struggling, they're ashamed for what they did. They can't muster the courage to. Some don't apologize because they aren't aware of what they did. And some just don't because their ego comes in the way. In some cultures, it's expected of the young to apologize to their elders (even when it's not their fault.) because not doing it is a mark of disrespect. Convoluted much? I call it the 'Clash of Egos'! The ego ceases all good sense. It's twisted, really. There is no shame in accepting your fault. None at all. In fact, it's a release. You feel a weight off that poor heart of yours. Let that ego go and make amends. It's never too late to say you are sorry. or maybe you missed your chance... That regret is not going to be worth it. So, go ahead. Own up. and say, "I'm sorry."

"Never ruin an apology with an excuse." - Unknown

When She Loved Me...

"Every hour we spent together lives within my heart... When she loved me." - Sarah McLachlan

05 March 2011. We lost her five years ago, two days short of her birthday.

We were at our grandparent's home, celebrating. Someone's birthday. It was very vague. There she was laying the table and moving about the lounge, getting things ready for the 'party'. I see her taking a piece of the cake that I baked. She took a bite and I asked her, "Nani, kaisa bana hai?" She didn't reply. She had tears rolling down and she quietly took small bites from it. I asked her, "Aap kyun roa rahi hain?” I could see that she wanted to say something, but couldn't. She seemed happy, but distant too. And I kept asking her questions like, "Aap ko kuch chahiye hai?", "Aap baat kyun nahin kar rahi hain?" And all she did was cry. They were happy tears. She always had this peace around her.

I woke up with a very heavy heart, realizing that it was a dream. I was crying in my dream.

Since her death I have seen her a handful of times and each time that I do, I see her happy. I haven't consciously spoken about her death and maybe these are manifestations. Whatever it may be, I do know for sure, that she's in a happy place. Of course, she is. She's with Allah (S.W.T.). As I write this, I also want you to know that I miss you. And a lot.

I remember her caressing my cheek when I was upset over a silly thing. She getting poori-sabzi made for Bhaiyu's birthday. She fixing my Kurta only hours before Eid. She making pulao because Apa and I would love Nani ke haath ka pulao. She cheering over India's loss to Pakistan... Home is empty without her. "Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting." - Unknown